Just blank
Sunday, September 6, 2009
10:54 PM
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Listening to: Filth in the Beauty -- the GazettE
Mood: Blank/empty
I like having the icons in the beginning of the entries. It feel like it gives the entry some life, but that's just a random thought that popped in my head that I felt like expressing.
My new netbook all ready has gotten a virus, some type of mal spyware. I dropped it off at the school's Tech Center, and I should be getting it back some time within the week. But I feel a bit down at the fact it's literally brand new. I have had it less than a week and it's all right gotten something. It's actually quite depressing.
Speaking about depressing, I'm in one of those moods again where I'm just filled with negative emotions. Self-loathing, critical, want of something I can never have, lonely.
The self-loathing is actually grown since I've been here in college. It's almost every time I look in the mirror now a days. My thoughts are usually are on the line of; "I look disgusting." I hate how my face is porportioned, how my nose looks, the color of my skin, how the achne getting worse each passing day and it doesn't seem to be going away. My hair is starting to look ratty, flat, and just not pleasing to the eye. The darkening color under my eyes. I honestly just hate it. It doesn't help either that I'm surrounded by people who just seem to be absolutely gorgeous, I feel so plain in comparison. Like Stephanie, my roommate, she's just simply beautiful.
And she's got the personality to match it. She's making friends left and right without any problems, she's so out going. Then there's me, I feel so plain despite my odd likes. Every Tuesday and Thursdays I go through most of the day completely alone. I'm quiet, shy, and not great at speaking to other people I don't know. Those days I find solace by texting Tati. The confidence that I was gaining in the months of May, and June has disappeared almost instantly. I guess I feel envious of Stephanie, but not in such an ill manner. Just want, and wishing. But I will never tell her that I feel all this, it's better to be left in the dark.
The want is driving me insane as well. The heart wrentching desire to be with a certain someone. Only Tati will know of this person, but it's still a horrible feeling. I know there is no chance; it's one of those situations where people say, "One in a billion." And I hate having this hope inside of me because in the back of my mind is screaming that it's impossible.
Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible. Impossible.
And I just feel so alone to pile that up on that want/desire. I just wish there's somebody that will stand there, hold me, and not let me go. But this makes me so angry because I shouldn't have to feel this way. I should be stronger, I shouldn't need someone. I've gotten by eighteen years, nearly nineteen as my birthday slowly approaches, why would I need someone now? I can get by, so why the hell do I feel like this? I just wish these confusing feelings would just disappear because music doesn't seem to be helping anymore.
Lately, I've been fearing that I might get insomnia, I think I found the source.
Someone, just make it disappear.
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