I'm starting to smile. But not in a way that's good. I smile every time I see/hear his name. He who is starting to haunt my thoughts left and right. I knew it was bad, but it's gotten to worse. It's driving me insane that I feel like this, I haven't even met him personally.

I'm still feeling depressed. I mean, when I talk to Tati (and other friends) I'm fine. But then when I'm alone, or I read the past entry of my blog, it just comes rushing back. There's nothing to distract me from those thoughts, those feelings. Especially those feelings. I just get swallowed up in everything that's in turmoil in my mind.

The bad part is, I'm going to be alone this weekend. Stephanie is going to be going to Phoenix to visit Christopher, and go to a few parties. I'm going to be left alone with all this still swirling in my mind, and it's going to be horrible.

Drawing usually can keep myself in check since art is the artist's emotions on paper. Every stroke of a pencil, brush or any utensil to make something, the artist is pouring their feelings into it. It's why one of the reasons when I'm so over emotional I draw to let it flow out of me.

But I've finally started to draw him.

I've been practicing on my realistic technique with people, and almost unconsciously I pulled up one of my favorite pictures of him, and started to draw him. And drawing a person from a reference is bad, well, in this situation. Because I'm noticing every single detail about him. The shape of his eyes, his jawline, hands, how exactly his hair is styles... every single detail! Even when drawing I found myself thinking; "I really like his eyes." And I find that I really, really like his eyes.

I swear, I'm going to go crazy. Even though, I just finished talking to Tatiana through IM and she tells me to cheer up, I feel like I can't. And I haven't told her about drawing him yet, I as just reminded when I accidently picked up my sketchbook instead of my notebook.

I just feel like screaming, and keep screaming until I pass out from lack of oxygen.